Who am I?

I don't consider myself "normal" by the standards ruling this world. Stereotypes, if you please. I'm not the kind of a person who worries about her looks, goes on buying make-up and spending hours to pick a dress for a party just to spend another 3 hours getting ready, still falling out of time. I'm not the type of a person who lives a life of sports to look good and feel good. I'm not the kind of a person who makes tons of friends from strangers, just to notice at some point that these friends have become strangers in the sea of friendship. I'm not the type of a person that people around me are.

I don't know whether I like that or not.

I know I am a kind person. I care for others and I get along with people quite well when I start talking with them. I might hate and loath the person in front of me, but I can smile and get along with them without telling them what I truly feel. I can't even harm spiders (and trust me, I hate spiders) because I know I'd feel bad afterwards, taking that small life. I'm the one who hates spiders but makes sure to rescue them outside.

But that's just one part of who I am. The other part of me is more subtle, more silent. I've been a shy person since I was a kid. I grew out of that and I can honestly say I'm not shy anymore but I'm still quiet. Especially if I'm thrown to a group of more than 1 person. I can't stand people, I can't stand groups. They keep yappering about things I don't find interesting, and before I know it my mind has gone somewhere else and I have no idea what they're saying.

And there's a twisted side of me that likes violence. I've grown up watching crime stories on the TV, read thrillers and detective stories, and written crime stories since I can remember. I love planning out crimes and putting them into words on paper. The more twisted a story is, the more twisted a character is, the more I like it. And yeah, I write this while watching the TV series "Dexter". Don't know what Dexter is? Trust me, you've missed a lot.

And then there's the emotionless side of me. After living with crimes and murders so strongly, watching and writing about them, I've become... ignorant towards death. I fear death and respect it greatly, but when I hear news about someone being murdered or a school shooting, I don't get shocked about it like others. I don't think about the families that get those news or the lifes that were affected. The first thing I think about is what drove the criminal to that act. What was so strong in their life to cause such an effect to their lives and actions.

But somehow, these sides are all balanced inside of me.

I don't know if the mind of the writer to think this way, but I know there's something twisted in my head and I kind of like that. I see such a wide part of this world in a way others around me don't, and I respect that possibility a lot. I know there are people like me out in the world, but they're extremely hard to be found because they hide in the shadows of silence like me.

In the end, this world is small. The longer our road is, the smaller everything starts to seem. And that is the life I fear. Starting to think about meaningless things like dozens of people around me.

I prefer to stay the way I am.

The Beginning

I've only been upon this world for 23 years. That's not a lot many would say but there's one positive thing I've come to understand through this life of mine:

This world has gone insane.

Wars break loose for the smallest of reasons, hatred blooms in each heart that we wouldn't believe it from and things keep changing fast; whether we want it to or not. Crime keeps growing by each day that passes by and it shows in the news. People get more twisted and daring when it comes to crime, and accidents keep on happening whether by nature or by human beings themselves. People are killed by other people, and that's too much alone if you ask me.

And the scariest thing is, there's no way we can stop that. I believe there is no such thing as a perfect world, not until human beings disappear. There's an evil part to every human lurking underneath our skins. I know I have; I'm the most kindest of person people can usually find unable to kill even insects without blaming myself for it, but there's a masochist living inside me who thinks everything two-mindedly (even pervertedly some might say) and I love crime series. I keep thinking in my head the perfect crime just for the fun of it, knowing I'd never have the heart to make it happen. It's just something to keep my mind in action, and I know it makes me a little bit of a bad person.

Some people might add religion to this, I know that. I know if it went to religion, I'd never get to Heaven. I'm a bit of a religious kind but Christianity has always been something I can't understand. I study it, I try to tie the million knots in the religion, but it doesn't make me a religious person. I mention this because I'm sure there will be a lot of religious content to my blog. That's mainly because of my interest towards Christianity and the many blanks and flaws in it. I am NOT trying to prove Christianity wrong; I'm trying to find a way to make it sound more possible. That's my mission so think about that before you start blaming me for the things I write.

This blog will mainly be about this world. Wars. Religion. Crime. These are just my thoughts about all the things that keep rotting this world that I was forced to live in. I tell you from the start; it might not be pretty and there may be some content people might find offencing. If you think you're from the softer side who might get offended by these topics, make sure not to check back. I will not make this pretty. I will speak my mind. I've been quiet for too long to keep it inside of me anymore.

This world is twisted, so I might as well be.