Who am I?

I don't consider myself "normal" by the standards ruling this world. Stereotypes, if you please. I'm not the kind of a person who worries about her looks, goes on buying make-up and spending hours to pick a dress for a party just to spend another 3 hours getting ready, still falling out of time. I'm not the type of a person who lives a life of sports to look good and feel good. I'm not the kind of a person who makes tons of friends from strangers, just to notice at some point that these friends have become strangers in the sea of friendship. I'm not the type of a person that people around me are.

I don't know whether I like that or not.

I know I am a kind person. I care for others and I get along with people quite well when I start talking with them. I might hate and loath the person in front of me, but I can smile and get along with them without telling them what I truly feel. I can't even harm spiders (and trust me, I hate spiders) because I know I'd feel bad afterwards, taking that small life. I'm the one who hates spiders but makes sure to rescue them outside.

But that's just one part of who I am. The other part of me is more subtle, more silent. I've been a shy person since I was a kid. I grew out of that and I can honestly say I'm not shy anymore but I'm still quiet. Especially if I'm thrown to a group of more than 1 person. I can't stand people, I can't stand groups. They keep yappering about things I don't find interesting, and before I know it my mind has gone somewhere else and I have no idea what they're saying.

And there's a twisted side of me that likes violence. I've grown up watching crime stories on the TV, read thrillers and detective stories, and written crime stories since I can remember. I love planning out crimes and putting them into words on paper. The more twisted a story is, the more twisted a character is, the more I like it. And yeah, I write this while watching the TV series "Dexter". Don't know what Dexter is? Trust me, you've missed a lot.

And then there's the emotionless side of me. After living with crimes and murders so strongly, watching and writing about them, I've become... ignorant towards death. I fear death and respect it greatly, but when I hear news about someone being murdered or a school shooting, I don't get shocked about it like others. I don't think about the families that get those news or the lifes that were affected. The first thing I think about is what drove the criminal to that act. What was so strong in their life to cause such an effect to their lives and actions.

But somehow, these sides are all balanced inside of me.

I don't know if the mind of the writer to think this way, but I know there's something twisted in my head and I kind of like that. I see such a wide part of this world in a way others around me don't, and I respect that possibility a lot. I know there are people like me out in the world, but they're extremely hard to be found because they hide in the shadows of silence like me.

In the end, this world is small. The longer our road is, the smaller everything starts to seem. And that is the life I fear. Starting to think about meaningless things like dozens of people around me.

I prefer to stay the way I am.